What I believe

Ten days ago I had a miscarriage. I was 16 weeks pregnant.

That past few weeks have been filled with emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Agonizing pain at the loss of a child {I feel like it was a girl, so I think of her as such, although we may not ever know}. Gratitude for my healthy sons. Anger that my body couldn’t sustain this little life. Relief that this didn’t happen later in my pregnancy. Fear that there was something I could do to stop it. Frustration that I have to “start over” getting pregnant. Guilt that I even care about something as petty as starting over. Sadness at the dreams that won’t come true. Regret that that I didn’t sing to her yet, or think about her more. Heartache at the memories of experiences I had while pregnant that now mean more than they did before. Overwhelming thankfulness for my friends in Seattle that poured out love to me and my family in Atlanta that all showed up on our doorstep that weekend. Grief. And above all, hope.

These are the moments in our lives where theology crashes into reality and we look at what we say we believe and weigh whether we really believe it or not.

Here’s what I believe. Jesus died because death is the wages of sin. Where sin is, death is close behind, demanding its payment. Jesus paid death with his own life. But Jesus is stronger than death. He rose. And he rose with a real body, a body that people could really see and really touch. So I know my little girl has a real body. She isn’t floating somewhere, she isn’t an ethereal spirit that ‘hope’ I get to see one day. She has a real body, real hair (probably blond like her big brother Rohan), real, sparkling eyes (probably green like her mama), and one day she is going to give me a real hug and tell me that she is so happy to meet me and daddy and has been waiting to show us where she lives. And we are going to walk, hand-in-hand, as she shows me the beautiful new earth God has redeemed, and we’ll eat amazing food, and watch clouds, and play games, and laugh, and spend time all together as a family. But right now she’s already there, playing with her cousins and her best friend named Eleanora. She is really alive, and really happy, and she doesn’t know that there is something like pain, or fear, or death. That’s what I believe.

I believe death is our enemy. I hate when people say death is a natural part of life. Have you ever experienced death? I am the first to say that what Phil and I went through and are going through is on the low end of tragedy. To lose a child later in pregnancy, an infant, a young child, an old child, parents…all of those are more tragic. But if you have experienced death at all, you know that it is the most unnatural thing we as humans face.

It rips us up. It destroys something in us. Humans throughout history have spent time, money, resources, and lifetimes trying to avoid death. We write about it, we watch it on TV, we sometimes even let it entertain us, all in an attempt to have some control over this thing that we know we will one day face. And that one thing is what we fear above all else. Because we were never, ever made to face death. Is goes against everything we were created for. Death is our enemy. It prowls around, looking to claim us.

But you know what else I believe? Death loses. There is a verse we don’t hear often, 1 Corinthians 15:26, and it makes me smile.

“The last enemy to be destroyed is death.”

Death is real. It is a normal part of life in the sense that we all will experience it. But it is not natural. It is our enemy.

And it does not win.

It didn’t win two thousand years ago with Jesus and it didn’t win last week. My baby slipped right through death’s grasping, desperate fingers into the arms of Jesus. And I have news for death. It won’t ever, ever win with my family. We serve the Author and Creator of Life. We are on a mission to reconcile the earth back to God and be a part of His story of redemption for all mankind. We bring light into dark places. We live to destroy death.

We belong to Jesus.



12 thoughts on “What I believe

  1. Oh, my sweet friend. I love you so much. I cherish these words and stand on them today. Thinking about your baby girl today. Thinking about you and Phil and the boys today.

  2. Thinking of you all today!! Whet you wrote was beautiful and heart-felt!! The pain of going through a miscarriage is terrible but it’s so good to have hope and Christ in our lives!!

  3. Truth,truth,truth. This is where “theology crashes into reality”. The last enemy, yes and we will dance at death’s funeral on that great and glorious day. Praying for you as you walk this grief, knowing He will meet you there.

  4. Such Holy Spirit filled words of truth. Thank you for sharing your heart sweetie. Love, prayers and big hugs!

  5. Em, those were anointed words and I believe it’s truth! We all love your family so much – thank you for sharing your life with all of us and being so forthcoming…. heart you guys…praying every day for you, Phil and the boys!

    • Emily, thank you for sharing your heart ache and your victory that came with it. You guys are awesome and we love you. Nice blog!

  6. I used to attend MC4 and am still on Pastor Chris’ email list, thus directed to this blog of yours. I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried in 2012 at 14 weeks. My story is at aplaceofrefreshingsprings.blogspot.com. May the Lord lift you and hold you during this time. I love your entry and how you honored your little one. God bless you and your family. Sincerely, Cyndi.

  7. Hi Em,
    I didn’t get the chance to meet you, before I started going to MC4S more often; but I wanted to extend my heartfelt condolences due to my own multiple experiences with this. I became a Certified Life and Bereavement Coach, and now volunteer with a couple of baby loss groups in Canada (and connected to others here in the States)…
    Three things came to mind, while I read your beautiful words:
    1.) Because of my own experience with “sensing” what my children were, know in your heart that it was probably correct to feel it was a girl. :0) And, if you have the opportunity, I would recommend praying over giving her a name. Have you read “Heaven Is For Real?” There’s a section in there, when the little boy dies and goes to heaven, that he sees and speaks with the sister his parents lost years before. They never told him about this–but as they listened to him, they did ask what her name was. He said she didn’t have one, because they never gave her one! ;0)
    2.) I thought you might like this artist’s site for baby loss support: http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/ It’s one of my favourites, and one my group refers to often. She’s wonderfully makes sure to engage and include fathers, which is so important… As well, you also might like to purchase one of her beautiful memory artworks. They’re gorgeous: http://theseashoreofremembrance.blogspot.com.au/
    3.) Are you aware that October 15th is international Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day? There are usually activities that surround this, and if you get the opportunity, I’d recommend attending one. It can be amazingly healing. :0) http://www.october15th.com/
    Blessings to you and your family, Em. I will keep you in my prayers. Thanks for being so brave in sharing your feelings with us!

    • Thanks Anna! We actually have picked out a name, because of that book, and I think I will share it soon on the blog. Right now it’s just nice to have it to ourselves as we continue to mourn. But thank you for your thoughts and all your comments. I will look at those sites! – em

  8. Hi Emily,
    you write with simplicity, power, and insight. I am so sorry for your loss, but I am so very glad I got to read your wisdom here. I know it will bring comfort to others who have undergone similar ordeals. I now have 1Corinthians 15:26 marked in my Bible, and I will continue to ponder it during my studies.
    God loves you so much,
    Jennifer LeMesurier

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